(originally launched into cyberspace on 03/15/2007)
I got a “bill” today from a company called
“Behavioral Interventions Incorporated.” The logo says, “BI: How
Justice Is Served.” After a moment of puzzlement, I realized that
this is the “bill” for the home monitoring equipment the government
is using to monitor me for my five-month home confinement sentence.
The bill doesn’t actually say what it’s for, but it gives me a
nice, polite “client” number. Perhaps I should write back and ask
that they change that to a more accurate “extortion victim” number.
I believe the word “client” in English refers to a voluntary
relationship, and the government should be challenged every time
they use this word to refer to any kind of unwilling victim. I
move that we create a new federal crime called “Orwellian butchery
of the English language.” Seems people are always up for making
something a federal crime. It’s the American way to make the world
a better place.
Although the government has already interfered
with my life and stolen my money in several major ways, they are
always looking for ways to put more icing on the cake, as it were.
Forcing people to pay for home monitoring equipment is just one
more little piece of extortion, like one of those crunchy little
decorations on a birthday cake. And much like those crunchy little
decorations, they’ve tried so hard to make it palatable they’ve
made it sickeningly sweet instead.
I mean, they could just say,
“We’re extorting money from you because we CAN! Ha! Ha!” But they
can’t be that honest. They have to call you a “client,” and hide
behind the vaguely scientific-sounding words “Behavioral
Intervention.” I must admit that I suffered a little temporary
insanity; Orwellian hypocrisy has that effect on me. I ran around
the house for a while yelling, “Help! help! I’m a lab rat! I’m
being behaviorally intervened with!”
And to claim that their
corporation is How Justice Is Served - does that strike you as a
little arrogant? A little creepy? A little corporo-fascist,
perhaps? Now you, too, can invest in the imprisonment and
monitoring of your fellow Americans. You too can profit from
every federal conviction and sentence. Now you can feel as good as
the prosecutor does every time some hapless victim is convicted.
Oops, did I say victim? No, these neighbors of yours are merely in
need of some behavioral intervention services.